My current situation may seem bleak:
All that said, I feel great! For the last year or so, I've been as free as an albatross.
The existential crisis that has plagued me since I was 6 years old is over. No more am I crippled with generalized anxiety and chronic depression from not knowing who I am or how I got here. I'm no longer a victim of self-loathing, addiction, and the bad habits and unhealthy choices that come with them. I'm cured. Now I just don't know what to do.
Tom Campbell, Steven Kaufman, Giulio Tononi, Alan Watts, Rumi, Buckminster Fuller, Max Tegmark, David Hume, Richard Feynman, Joseph Campbell, Marcus Aurelius, Carl Jung, Terence McKenna, (Jordan Peterson? I waver), and a host of poets, scientists, philosophers, psychologists, and polymaths have isolated the ingredients and honed the recipe for Awakening. I read, and write, and sleep, and dream, and sat and breathe with them, and then sporadically, suddenly it all makes sense, and then days goes by and it doesn't again.
There were three distinct moments in 2018 where it all came together. Three times I lost myself completely, and found instead Unity, a firsthand experience of oneness with the Universal Self. Three times I peered into the Infinite Void, the limitless, featureless realm of possibilities from which existence-consciousness-bliss emerges. And three times I have returned to this mortal coil with profound, lasting peace and clarity. I came back to play the game, to breed bliss, to pursue the maximum enjoyment of Being.
Any game needs rules and boundaries. That's why we came up with time. And space. And mass and energy. And why we developed bodies with incredibly narrow bands of sensory perception. And minds that can pay attention to only one thing at a time. Without these limitations life would be no fun.
And every game needs an object. The object of this root level game we call Life happens to be delightfully elusive, and appropriately meta: the object of this game is the game itself.
That's why the universe is expanding at an accelerating rate. We conscious observers and our indefatigable curiosity are the Dark Energy. We creating the edges of the known universe as we aim our telescopes and spectrometers at them, collapsing the quantum wave functions, the possibilities of the Void, into manifested actualities of conscious experience. What we experience becomes reality.
Everything is relative, connected, and interdependent. No one and no thing is separate. We find justice when we see that it's just Us; there is no Them. Just conscious beings like the stars and the trees, the rocks and the bees, and you and me. And we share everything already: consciousness, the infinite cosmos, and the reflections eternal within us. There is no way and no thing you or I can win or lose. But we can all win together if we each drop the act, shed the ego, and dissolve the illusions of individuality we've been conditioned to accept. Success isn't personal prowess or fortunes or glory. Success is an epidemic of compassion and lovingkindness. Metta World Peace. Only harmony can ease suffering and lead us to bliss.
It became clear that Love is the answer: it is the driving force of the evolution of life and nature, and the guiding principle of the cosmic consciousness. Love led the Only Every, the Absolute Unbounded Oneness to play with itself, to differentiate and evolve and become the Absolute Unbounded Manifold we experience as the Universe.